不说“对不起”的人的5个理由

5 Reasons Why Some People Will Never Say Sorry

译者：臻仁牛奶巧克力 原文作者：Guy Winch 

I’m sorry is one of the first things we learn to say as children, yet some adults refuse to apologize even when they’re clearly in the wrong. The question is: Why?

小时候，“对不起”是我们最先学会说的话之一。然而对某些成年人来说，不论他们犯的错有多明显，道歉的话却永远说不出口。这到底是为什么呢？

Elton John wasn’t kidding: Sorry does seem to be the hardest word. Some people find it so hard to apologize that getting them to admit to even the smallest wrongdoing involves a major battle—often, a fruitless one. Although we might perceive the reluctance of these non-apologists as simple defensiveness or pride, a far deeper psychological dynamic is often at play: Refusing to apologize often reflects efforts to protect a fragile sense of self.

埃尔顿.约翰说过：“‘对不起’可能是最难说出口的词了。”这并不是玩笑话。有些人实在无法开口道歉，所以一点点小的错误都会使他们卷入一场大战——通常都是一些毫无意义的冲突。尽管我们可以把这些不道歉者的做法当成一种自我防御或保护自尊心的方式，但这通常还折射出一种更深层次的心理活动：拒绝道歉常常为了保护脆弱的自我。

Apologies can vary greatly in their significance: When non-apologists bump into someone in a crowd, they might mumble a quick "I’m sorry" without giving it another thought. But the same person arguing with their spouse about directions might yell, “I’m telling you: The GPS is wrong! Take this left!” only to find out the satellite system was correct—and still adamantly refuse to apologize, perhaps calling on excuses such as, “You take the wrong exit all the time, too!” or “The GPS is wrong half the time anyway—it’s not my fault!”

道歉的意义千差万别：在拥挤的地方不小心撞到人了，那些不道歉者可能会不假思索地马上咕哝一声“对不起”。但他们在和另一半争论方向的时候，却会向对方吼道：“我告诉你，是GPS错了！这里向左走！”即便最后发现导航是正确的，这些人也会固执地拒绝道歉，还有可能找各种借口，比如“你也总是找错路！”或者“GPS老是出错——这不关我的事！”

Similarly, when our actions or inactions cause someone actual harm, real emotional distress, or significant inconvenience, most of us quickly offer a sincere apology, both because it is deserved and because it’s the best way to garner forgiveness and alleviate the guilt we feel. But in these situations, too, non-apologists typically use excuses and denial to shirk their responsibility.

同样地，当我们的作为或不作为给别人带来实际的生理伤害、精神损害或极度不便时，大多数人都会马上真诚地道歉。不仅仅因为我们应该道歉，更是因为道歉是获得原谅和减轻自身内疚感的最好方式。但在这些情况下，不道歉者总是会不断借口来推卸责任。

Why?

这是为什么呢？

For non-apologists, saying "I’m sorry" carries psychological ramifications that run far deeper than the words themselves imply; it elicits fundamental fears (either conscious or unconscious) they desperately want to avoid:

对于不道歉者来说，“对不起”一词给他们带来的心理作用远远大于这个词本身的含义。它会引出这些人千方百计想要逃避的恐惧感（有意识或无意识的）：

1.Admissions of wrongdoing are incredibly threatening for non-apologists because they have trouble separating their actions from their character. If they did something bad, they must be bad people; if they were neglectful, they must be fundamentally selfish and uncaring; if they were wrong, they must be ignorant or stupid, etc. Therefore, apologies represent a major threat to their basic sense of identity and self-esteem.

1 不道歉者十分害怕承认自己做错事，因为他们无法把自己的行为和人品分开。如果做了坏事，那他们就认定是坏人；如果疏忽大意，那他们就肯定是既自私又不专注的人；如果做错了事，那就一定是无知或愚笨的人。因此，道歉就是一种对自我认同和自尊感的巨大威胁。

2.Apologizing might open the door to guilt for most of us, but for non-apologists, it can instead open the door to shame. While guilt makes us feel bad about our actions, shame makes non-apologists feel bad about their selves—who they are—which is what makes shame a far more toxic emotion than guilt.

2 对大多数人来说，道歉是表达内疚的方式，但对不道歉者来说，却是一件丢脸的事。因为内疚使我们感受到自己行为上的错误，而丢脸则使不道歉者对自身感到糟糕。这种否定自我的情绪比内疚感可怕的多。

3.While most of us consider apologies as opportunities to resolve interpersonal conflict, non-apologists may fear their apology will only open the floodgates to further accusations and conflict. Once they admit to one wrongdoing, surely the other person will pounce on the opportunity to pile on all the previous offenses for which they refused to apologize as well.

3 大多数人把道歉当作解决人际矛盾的机会，但不道歉者却担心道歉只会给他们带来更多的指责和冲突。一旦他们在某件事上承认做错了，别人一定会抓住这个机会，把他们之前犯的拒绝道歉的所有错都加在一起。

4.Non-apologists fear that by apologizing, they would assume full responsibility and relieve the other party of any culpability. If arguing with a spouse, for example, they might fear an apology would exempt the spouse from taking any blame for a disagreement, despite the fact that each member of a couple has at least some responsibility in most arguments.

4 不道歉者害怕自己一旦道歉，就会承担所有责任，而另一方则不会受到任何处罚。比如和另一半争吵时，他们可能害怕道歉会使对方在这场争论中免除所有责骂。然而在大多数争吵中，夫妻双方至少都一定的责任。

5.By refusing to apologize, non-apologists are trying to manage their emotions. They are often comfortable with anger, irritability, and emotional distance, and experience emotional closeness and vulnerability to be extremely threatening. They fear that lowering their guard even slightly will make their psychological defenses crumble and open the floodgates to a well of sadness and despair that will pour out of them, leaving them powerless to stop it. They might be correct. However, they are incorrect in assuming that exhibiting these deep and pent-up emotions (as long as they get support, love, and caring when they do—which fortunately, is often the case) will be traumatic and damaging. Opening up in such a way is often incredibly therapeutic and empowering, and it can lead them to experience far deeper emotional closeness and trust toward the other person, significantly deepening their relationship satisfaction.

5 不道歉者通过拒绝道歉来控制自身情绪。他们通常会表现出愤怒、烦躁的情绪，也会保持感情距离，极度恐惧情感上的亲密和脆弱。他们担心哪怕放松一点点警惕都会使自己的心理防线奔溃，继而喷涌而出的无限悲伤和绝望，根本没有能力控制。这种想法也许是正确的。但是，我们不能认为展示这些内心深处压抑着的情感（只要他们在展示这些情感时得到支持、爱和关心。值得庆幸的是，情况常常如此）会使自己受到伤害。以这种方式打开心扉是非常有益的，不仅可以给他们带来更深层次的情感亲密体验，变得更加相信别人，更能够极大程度地加深人际关系满足感。

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本译文仅用于学习和交流目的。非商业转载请注明译者、出处，并保留文章在译言的完整链接。商业合作请联系 [email protected]  参考原文地址：https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201305/5-reasons-why-some-people-will-never-say-sorry

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