Previous Story

女孩把R悄悄放在心里，她疯狂地阅读、坚持不懈地练琴，只因为R是一个爱读书、爱音乐的人；她透过门上的猫眼贪婪地观察着R的点点滴滴；她的暗恋纯粹又热烈，以致于做了很多傻事。

Chapter 5

This swift minute was the happiest of my childhood.

I wanted to tell you of it, so that you who do not know me might at length begin to understand how my life hung upon yours.

I wanted to tell you of that minute, and also of the dreadful hour which so soon followed.

As I have explained, my thoughts of you had made me oblivious(不在意的) to all else.

I paid no attention to my mother’s doings, or to those of any of our visitors.

I failed to notice that an elderly gentleman, an Innsbruck merchant, a distant family connection of my mother, came often and stayed for a long time.

I was glad that he took mother to the theater sometimes, for this left me alone, undisturbed in my thoughts of you, undisturbed in the watching which was my chief, my only pleasure.

But one day my mother summoned me with a certain formality, saying that she had something serious to talk to me about.

I turned pale, and felt my heart throb(（心脏）急速强烈地跳动).

Did she suspect anything? Had I betrayed myself in some way?

My first thought was of you, of my secret, of that which linked me with life.

But my mother was herself embarrassed.

It had never been her way to kiss me. Now she kissed me affectionately more than once, drew me to her on the sofa,

and began hesitatingly and rather shamefacedly to tell me that her relative, who was a widower, had made her a proposal of marriage,

and that, mainly for my sake(因我的缘故), she had decided to accept.

I palpitated(（心脏）急速跳动) with anxiety, having only one thought, that of you.

“We shall stay here, shan’t we?” I stammered(结结巴巴地说) out.

“No, we are going to Innsbruck, where Ferdinand has a fine villa.”

I heard no more.

Everything seemed to turn black before my eyes.

I learned afterward that I had fainted.

I clasped my hands convulsively(突然地), and fell like a lump of lead.

I cannot tell you all that happened in the next few days; how I, a powerless child, vainly revolted against the mighty elders.

Even now, as I think of it, my hand shakes so that I can scarcely write.

I could not disclose the real secret, and therefore my opposition seemed ill-tempered obstinacy.

No one told me anything more. All the arrangements were made behind my back.

The hours when I was at school were turned to account(利用).

Each time I came home some new article had been removed or sold.

My life seemed falling to pieces; and at last one day, when I returned to dinner, the furniture removers had cleared the flat.

In the empty rooms there were some packed trunks, and two camp-beds for Mother and myself.

We were to sleep there one night more, and were then to go to Innsbruck.

On this last day I suddenly made up my mind that I could not live without being near you.

You were all the world to me.

It is difficult to say what I was thinking of and whether in this hour of despair I was able to think at all.

My mother was out of the house. I stood up, just as I was, in my school dress, and went over to your door.

Yet I can hardly say that I went.

With stiff limbs and trembling joints, I seemed to be drawn toward your door as by a magnet.

It was in my mind to throw myself at(冲向) your feet, and to beg you to keep me as a maid, as a slave.

I cannot help feeling afraid that you will laugh at this infatuation(迷恋) of a girl of fifteen.

But you would not laugh if you could realize how I stood there on the chilly landing, rigid with apprehension, and yet drawn onward by an irresistible force;

how my arm seemed to lift itself in spite of me(不由自主地).

The struggle appeared to last for endless, terrible seconds; and then I rang the bell.

The shrill noise still sounds in my ears.

It was followed by a silence in which my heart well-nigh(几乎) stopped beating, and my blood stagnated(凝固), while I listened for your coming.

But you did not come. No one came.

You must have been out that afternoon, and John must have been away too.

With the dead note of the bell still sounding in my ears, I stole back into our empty dwelling, and threw myself exhausted upon a rug,

tired out by these four paces as if I had been wading through deep snow for hours.

Yet beneath this exhaustion there still glowed the determination to see you, to speak to you, before they carried me away.

I can assure you that there were no sensual(肉欲的) longings in my mind;

I was still ignorant, just because I never thought of anything but you.

All I wanted was to see you once more, to cling to you.

Throughout that dreadful night I waited for you.

Directly my mother had gone to sleep, I crept into the hall to listen for your return.

It was a bitterly cold night in January.

I was tired, my limbs ached, and there was no longer a chair on which I could sit; so I lay upon the floor, scourged(使痛苦) by the draft(穿堂风) that came under the door.

In my thin dress I lay there, without any covering.

I did not want to be warm, lest(以免) I should fall asleep and miss your footstep.

Cramps(痉挛) seized me, so cold was it in the horrible darkness; again and again I had to stand up.

But I waited, waited, waited for you, as for my fate.

At length (it must have been two or three in the morning) I heard the house-door open, and footsteps on the stair.

The sense of cold vanished, and a rush of heat passed over me.

I softly opened the door, meaning to run out, to throw myself at(冲向) your feet. . . .

I cannot tell what I should have done in my frenzy(狂热).

The steps drew nearer. A candle flickered(闪烁).

Tremblingly I held the door-handle.

Was it you coming up the stairs?

Yes, it was you, beloved; but you were not alone.

I heard a gentle laugh, the rustle(沙沙声) of silk, and your voice, speaking in low tones.

There was a woman with you. . . .

I cannot tell how I lived through the rest of the night.

At eight next morning, they took me with them to Innsbruck. I had no strength left to resist.

曼话舒语

与你一起品茶，吟诗；

赏风花雪月，析中英文化，看大江东去！