3. And Turpan Instead of the Concert
AND I WILL BREATHE FOR YOU EACH DAY
COMFORT YOU THROUGH ALLTHE PAIN
GENTLY KISS YOUR FEARS AWAY
YOU CAN TURN TO ME AND CRY
ALWAYS UNDERSTAND THAT I
GIVE YOU ALL I AM INSIDE
I WON’T EVER BE TOO FARAWAY TO FEEL YOU
AND I WON’T HESITATE AT ALL
WHENEVER YOU CALL
-FromWhenever You Callby Mariah Carey
On October 16th, 2014, aThursday, Daniel and I decided to spend the night together and live in a hotel, as I was scheduled to fly at 10 o’clock at Hongqiao Airport next day, which means I had to arrive there 2 hours earlier. I was not an early riser, hence the decision.
I also had to meet my supervisor to talka bout my paper. My supervisor had to meet altogether 5 students, and I proposed me being the first one to chat with her. Daniel took a shuttle bus from his factory in Taicang to Zhongshan Park in Shanghai, and it was a tight schedule.
Eventually, we met each other at Zhongshan Park Metro Station, with him still on the phone and me a little upset about him not responding to my message. Anyway, I was overjoyed to meet him,again, for the fourth night in a row.
He looked so amazing in his suit and with his green, sleek backpack, one that gave me all sorts of presents and surprises. Even sweat looked good on him, and we changed to Metro Line 2 for the station nearby Songhong Road, a station I couldn’t truly remember, maybe Beixinjing Station or Weining Road Station.
The minute we left the station, we were as sailed by a throng of people coming in our direction and a huge amount of hot air blowing ruthlessly. Basically, I was at sea and then in his arms. We wanted to call a taxi, but the traffic was too heavy and Daniel was too resourceful.We got ourselves an unlicensed vehicle (黑车) that took us to the hotel. The driver was rather in a hurry, while we were not. Seeing my face ridden with the fear of being thrown overboard, Daniel soothed my hand beneath his backpack. Before the waiting and the searching, he held my hand for the most of the time. Or, I was in his arms. A feel of warmth flooded into and settled in my heart.
If I had to live my life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you I see forever oh so clearly
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong
-From Nothing Is Gonna Change My Love ForYou by George Benson
These lines depicted how I felt as I penned down these lines. Only a good song matches a good mood, and a good mood makes me want to sing a good song.
It was a long walk till we found the room. We put down the two heavy bags, with mine carrying a computer and his carrying surprise presents for me. Then, we decided to take a little walk to a plaza where he wanted to buy me fancy suits and breakfast for both of us the next morning. As I already had one formal dress for the formal occasion inTurpan, I rejected his kindness. Daniel said that he used to go to that plaza with his ex, which made me a little unhappy. I had my share of such mistakes,so I let it slip. I surely didn’t want to make a scene when he was so kind as to travel across cities to be my company and see me off at the airport.
We bought some food from KFC and breakfast from Paris Baguette, and headed straight back to the hotel. The walk from and back to the hotel happened on a very quiet street, a typical one you would find on Middle Fuxing Road or Fenyang Road, the two roads I love most in Shanghai. I would really love to take such walk with Daniel on a frequent basis as we lived happily in a house of our own. Walking, talking, traveling,everyday life, all that is enough for us.
From time to time, I would sneak my hand into his arms, feeling for his pulse and warmth. He’s got a warm body and a warm heart, and I really like him for that.
Then it was all dining and talking. I couldn’t get enough of looking at him, and he, though interested in that kind of thing, didn’t want to rush it. A kiss would be enough.
Then, I gave him many more.
Then a hug.
Then he took a shower.
Then I took a shower.
Then he decided to go to bed early, which puzzled me as it was still early. We tried watching TV, but it was boring. So,an early sleep may as well be a smart choice, except that I could really fall asleep any time soon.
Part of me was glad that I could see him right beside me the first thing in the morning. Part of me worried that sleeping(literally sleeping, no sex or any kind of job) together after knowing each other just a few days may make me look cheap to him. I was never good at making myself hard to get or chase. I simply showed affection in return for his show of affection, which is a mutual thing. We truly felt connected to each other.
That night, I learned some new expressions of Daniel:
Little evil, you just won’t let your man sleep! (小坏蛋，不让你老公睡觉！)
You short-legged man! (小短腿儿！)
Guess what? I had to admit though that Icould be a little slutty when with a man I loved a lot. However, as I was still a male virgin, I wouldn’t rush to have sex. Alternatives are many, but I wouldn’t do that either, not so soon, like “RESERVED ABOUT SEX” in the three-picture post in Sina Weibo.
A few of my friends, who were quite receptive to new things, asked why I was so conservative about sex or its alternatives. I believe that body and soul are one, and neither could be taken in isolation by another man with whom I have a relationship with. There is congenial connectionand attraction between us, but the connection of soul could never happen within four days.
Daniel had given all that he had, and I truly treasured that.
I didn’t have a lot of sleep, neither did he. Sadly, he had to see me off at the airport and then go to Shanghai Zoo with his bestie. So, not enough sleep would make him feel like hell next day.
The hotel was not far away from Hongqiao Airport, and he was with me every step of the way. During the hasty trip to the airport, he made a phone call about a certification test. I was giddy about the fact that he failed in a test where 90% of the test-takers passed.
REALLY?
REALLY?
REALLY?
I learned that he even went window-shopping after taking the test. OIC, he wasn’t so serious or wellprepared. LOL.
I know I shouldn’t be joking about him like this, for doing so would make me seem a mean boy. But listening to some of his conversations really made me smile with my head down, so that he wouldn’t catch me joking about him. It was a long walk and a short train ride to the airport.
There, I met Underwood, my partner for the interpretation assignment, at the airport. Then, Daniel began to act like a straight gentleman and helped Carrier out, with me looking like his friend instead of his boyfriend. I was a little angered, but thought it was the best plan for us. Girls could truly use some help with the heavy luggage. I also offered my help.
It was my very first time to take a plane, and Daniel helped me in every possible way. He knew I had my worries from all the plane crashes and stuff, so he kept my company all the way, like a friend and a boyfriend. Carrie said to me, later, that Daniel was very kind.
I didn’t want to go to Turpan while there was a Mariah Carey concert next day, one that I could have gone to with the man I liked. Daniel promised that he would call me and let me listen to the music when I was in Turpan. Or he would do it on WeChat.
Then the time came for me and Underwood to go through security check, I said farewell calmly, as I had to do so with my beautiful partner Carrie beside me. Daniel looked at us with his charming eyes, presumably more charm to me than to Carrie. Any woman would fall for a kind and helping gentleman like Daniel.
As we got closer to security check, Daniel hailed to us and said that we should pause for a few minutes. We didn’t know what happened, and some of the security guards were alarmed. We let some people behind through first, and waited for Daniel’s return. When he came back, he had two cups of coffee and two bags of bread and food for me and Underwood. The security guards stepped in and checked if the cups or bags had any problem.
To be honest, I didn’t know what to feel or say, until Underwood said that Daniel was a true gentleman (暖男).When he left, I actually told Unerwood that Daniel and I were a couple, a gaycouple who loved each other. So, Underwood’s sentence was “You’ve got yourself a great boyfriend”. I know it is kind of risky to tell other people about my sexual orientation after knowing them only a few days and seeing them for a few hours. But I had my way of telling whether someone could accept or not, and sof ar my telling was all correct.
I sipped the coffee while peeping into the bagful of food. It wasn’t something I truly needed, but it was enough for our 5-hour flight.
As I waved my hands, tears welled up in my eyes. I tried not to let them show, with Daniel waving his hands and Underwood feeling both glad and sad for the love-smitten couple. We continued our text-messaging on WeChat until the plane was about to fly.
I chatted with Underwood happily, and took a nap. As the plane landed in Urumqi, I opened my cellphone and was surprised that Daniel didn’t send me any message except the sentence “Honey, I know you must be still on the plane and cannot receive this message immediately. Anyway, Bon Voyage”. I sent a few messages but received no response. I got worried, and decided to give him a call.
He was with his bestie touring Shanghai Zoo, somewhat exhausted after a bad night’s sleep. My sense of insecurity got the better of me and was a bit angry at his slowness in responding. He was justified in doing this, as no one deprived of a night’s sleep could juggle texting and traveling, both being rather demanding though enjoyable.
The shuttle bus taking us from Urumqi toTurpan was still 3 hours away, so Underwood and I had no choice but to wait in a pre-scheduled hotel. We had local noodles for snacks and they tasted really amazing. From time to time, though, I would ask if Daniel had his lunch or if he was feeling tired. His response was slow, though.
SOMEHOW
SOMEHOW
SOMEHOW
I had a hunch that I might have been too easy for him to get to, and nobody would treasure an easy relationship. In my opinion, however, when two right people meet each other, they could easily fall in love with each other. Feeling my agitation, Underwood suggested that I should drop this trivial matter and set it aside, and I asked if I could talk to her a little bit. Underwood agreed gladly, and walked with me amid pleasant October breeze.
The sky was blue, and the trees all looked green. My mind, however, went on a crazy trip. Somehow, my liking, if not love,for Daniel had made me a crazy man, one that was full of love and worry. More exactly, slow response and distance had heightened my missing for him. I knew it was stupid to think like that, but having someone on mind wasn’t really my forte, especially when it came to an attractive and congenial soul like Daniel.The few minutes of walking and talking with Underwood made me a bit better, and her smile, like her words, soothed my nerves.
As I took the shuttle bus, I sat behind Underwood, and then beside Underwood. She shared with me some small stories, and for most of our bus ride, we marveled at all the new sights of a city known for the Silk Road. All the local cuisine, all the clay sculptures, the vast expanse of land, the yellowness that covered the sky.It wasn’t the best of the sight, that is for sure; but I felt relaxed, until alooming sense of insecurity got the better of me. Daniel didn’t respond to my message, and I thought, as it was dinner time, he might be having dinner with his bestie, or mostly likely, he didn’t want to hear too much from me. Eitherway, I was worried and grew impatient.
My worry and impatience got the better of me, and came under the radar of Underwood. She agreed with me that I should not contact Daniel anymore, and that even if he responded to my anger message, I might as well just leave him in the cold, exactly what he might have been doing.
In a relationship, every time I felt an unnatural yet compelling urge to do something, I might be prone to do something stupid, however cool I wanted to appear. Of course, as I write these lines, I know only too well that it is utterly stupid to behave like this. How I wish I had known better than to get obsessed with trivial details and for get about the bond Daniel and I shared.
Guess what? The bond wasn’t very strong.Our liking and passion for each other was strong, but I was so worried about something, about losing him and about him seeing someone else. Trust grew overtime, and one week was only so short a time.
In Chinese, a needy person in a relationshipis described as Sticky (粘人的). I fell into such category, especially when I was madly in love with someone belonging to Piscesor Cancer. Pisces, Cancer and Scorpio (belong to the Water Cluster 水象星座)all stress emotion and love over many things. The question is, once a Pisces or Cancer has it, he won’t stress it too much. A Scorpio, however, at least in my case, stresses it all the time. I couldn’t get enough of a Pisces or Cancer. I just love being in contact with the one I love.
Of course, too much love can be something of a burden to your lover, and this is what happened in my case.
One hour later, he didn’t respond. I got angry, and Underwood suggested that I shouldn’t give a damn about him. Yesterday ,he was so passionate, and now he left me in the cold. He knew I needed him a lot. Yeah, sure, he was exhausted after a nearly sleepless night and a long day of walking and talking with his bestie in a zoo. I missed him so much that I was stupid, though some would use the word “relatable”, to make a scene (闹情绪)with Daniel.
One and a half hours passed, and still Igot no message from Daniel. My mind went crazy though I knew it was a stupid thing to do.
I MEAN
REALLY?
REALLY?
REALLY?
Was he so busy that he couldn’t spare two seconds to send me an emoji or a single word?
Guess what, two hours later, he sent a message to ask if I was OK or angry? Both Underwood and I agreed that I shouldl eave him in the cold. Well, it wasn’t really a smart thing to do, as nothing really happened between us.
When we finally arrived at Turpan, it was almost 9:30 pm. After we settled down and put down our luggage in hotel rooms, we headed for the restaurant where our organizer greeted us and sent two local researchers to dine with us.
It was a beautiful dinner, though late at night. A female researcher, a sensitive and perceptive one, seemed to sense my insecurity and smiled at me all the time. Her face wore a smile of eternal charm, one that is timeless and borderless, like that of a Buddha free from worldly worries. A researcher of archaeological studies, a charming lady of exquisite charm, the daughter of two hard-working parents and the epitome of womanly virtue. Word failed to express my admiration for the female researcher,and I was glad in her presence, until I thought of Daniel.
Every time I responded to his message, I smiled a discernible smile. When I sent a somewhat anger-ridden message, Daniel got upset over me saying that I would never want to see him for the next week and for the next month. The emotion, though, was less discernible on my face,though the researcher still felt it with a woman’s hunch and smiled at me.
How I wish I could have a peaceful temperament and a big heart like she did.
Daniel called me immediately out of worry, and I lashed out at him for a minute or two, saying “Don’t you everthink that you had me last night and could leave me in the cold!!!” He apologized for his late response and lack of attention, though feeling very tired himself after a long day. I knew he didn’t mean to be this way, but somehow I got angry. We made peace and he began to contact me more frequently.As I learned later, he didn’t want to stay in touch so frequently. But he simply wanted me to feel happy by increasing the frequency of contact.
（Part II of Chapter III will be published later)
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