“我与阿斯伯格症的暗战”

My Secret Struggle with Asperger's

by Susan Boyle

笨蛋苏珊、疯子、古怪、怪胎。在我生活的53年中，我一直被人们如此称呼。

Simple Susan, mad, odd, bizarre. Names I have been called over the last 53 years of my life.

我出生在苏格兰一个小村庄，那时药物和诊断还很初级，并没有我们今天所见的进步，我的父母被告知，不要对我抱有任何幻想，因为他们误以为我在出生时大脑已受损伤。

Born in a small Scottish village at a time where medicine and diagnosis was in its infancy and hadn’t made the great advancements that we see today, my parents were told not to expect much from me as they were led to believe I had been brain damaged at birth.

但你看到的我，并不是疯子、笨蛋或其他任何我已被冠以多年的诨名。我虽有阿斯伯格症（又亚斯伯格症），但它并不能定义我，它让我更加了解我自己。

But you see I’m not mad or simple or any of the other names that I have been called over the years. I have Asperger’s and it doesn’t define me, it gives a greater understanding of who I am.

简而言之，阿斯伯格症是一种发展障碍，从属于自闭症谱系。它是终身性的疾患。专家相信在每200人中大约就有一人存在不同程度的阿斯伯格症。阿斯伯格患者通常具有超出平均水平的智商。阿斯伯格患者在社会交往与沟通，以及感觉、运动和执行能力方面有困难。诸多阿斯伯格患者所经历的孤立和缺少理解，严重地影响了他们每天的生活，从而常常致使他们的失望、愤怒、抑郁和自卑。

In brief, Asperger’s is a developmental disorder that falls within the autistic spectrum. It’s lifelong and experts believe that about 1 in 200 people have a form of Asperger’s in varying levels. People with Asperger’s normally have an above average intelligence. The difficulties that people with Asperger’s have lies within social interaction and communication as well as having sensory, motor and organizational difficulties. Many people with Asperger’s experience isolation and a lack of understanding which affects their everyday lives, which often results in frustration, anger, depression and a low self-esteem.

过去50多年来，我为我所不明因由的错误而争扎，感觉自己被不公平地粘贴上标签。直到我51岁被诊断出阿斯伯格症，我方才如释重负，感到了理解与接纳。

For over 50 years I struggled not understanding what was wrong, feeling that I had been unfairly labeled but at 51 when I was diagnosed with Asperger’s it was a huge moment of relief, understanding and acceptance.

仅在过去的一年，我还把我的诊断视为隐私。毕竟，我怎能谈论我只是刚刚才得知的诊断，并理解为何我会以我自己的方式应对环境？在一年的学习和认识之后，我终于能对说出我的诊断感到坦然，并愿意将我生活中一个重要部分与人们分享。

For just over a year I kept my diagnosis private. After all, how could I discuss a diagnosis that I was just learning about and understanding why in situations I react the way I do? After a year of learning and gaining knowledge I finally felt comfortable to speak of my diagnosis and allow people to share an important part of my life.

需要谨言慎行。不得不如此。这对我和其他所有阿斯伯格症人士都非常重要，因为我要确保我的话、我的故事不被那些无知者肆意扭曲或嘲笑。

It was carefully managed. It had to be. This was so important to me and also to all those with Asperger’s that I needed to ensure that it was my words, my story and not twisted or ridiculed by those less understanding.

以恰如其分的方式传递这个非常个人化的诊断是非常重要的。我不想成为人们无知、论断或眼花缭乱头条的笑柄。所以我认为，唯一向人们展示阿斯伯格症人士生活的办法就是通过纪实，而我也有幸做到了这一点。我不再想处身局外，而是向人们展示我的生活，将其带进我的世界，希望他们能对阿斯伯格症有一个更加深入的认识，了解这种日复一日挣扎将始终存在及其对环境的反应。

It was incredibly important to convey this very personal diagnosis in exactly the right way. I did not want people getting carried away and making judgments or headlines spinning out of control making a mockery. So I decided that the only way to show what life with Asperger’s is like was to show people and I was lucky enough to be afforded the opportunity to do just that with a documentary. I wanted to stop being an outsider and show people what my life was like, bring them in to my world and hopefully give people a greater understanding of what Asperger’s is and the day to day struggles that will always exist and the reactions to situations.

我的经历促成了我2013年夏天在苏格兰首次现场演出。我的梦想是尽心竭力地实现我的个人巡回演出，但随之而来的压力和不确定性，加上我的阿斯伯格症也使我的症状加剧。

My show follows the journey in the lead up to my first live shows that I performed in Scotland in the summer of 2013. A dream of mine, I had been desperate to perform on my very own tour but it comes with pressures and uncertainties and for someone with Asperger’s this magnifies the condition.

时至今日，这仍是一种解脱。当然，仍有无视事实的无知者会辱骂，因为他们既不理解，也不愿花时间去了解，但对我和我所在意的身边的人们却更好地了解到我是谁，以及我为何为我所为，为什么我对环境的行为反应会与众不同。

It was and still is a relief. Of course there are still the ignorant who regardless will name call because they don’t understand or won’t take the time to understand but for me and the people around me who I care about it has given us all a better understanding of who I am and why I do what I do and why my reactions to situations are different to others.

这不该是一个禁忌的话题。恰恰相反。我们需要更加理解和拥抱不同，更多地认识什么是自闭症和阿斯伯格症，以及它为何发生。

It shouldn’t be a taboo subject. Quite the opposite. We need to become more perceptive and embrace the difference and gain a greater knowledge of what Autism and Asperger’s are and why it occurs.

我为此提笔并非为了唤起同情。恰恰相反。无需同情我。请理解我！

I have not written this with a view to evoke pity. Quite the opposite. Don’t pity me. Understand me.

我有一个蒙福的人生。过去的五年给予我的经历是我未曾想到的，我结识了一些最杰出的人。我的幸运一直令人难以置信，我每天都为我的生活而心存感激。没有人，更不会是我，还能相信我的生活可以变得更好。我成功地完成了苏格兰之旅，现在正在英国全国各地进行19场巡回演出。我的生命越来越坚强，没有什么能够阻挡我！

I have a blessed life. The past five years have afforded me experiences I could never have imagined and met some of the most fantastic people. I have been unbelievably fortunate and every day I am so grateful that this is what my life has become. No one, least of all me, can quite believe how my life has transformed for the better. I completed the Scottish tour successfully and am currently touring England performing 19 dates around the country. Life is going from strength to strength and nothing is holding me back!

这就是为什么阿斯伯格症的标签不能定义我如此重要的原因—— 它让我是更加了解我自己。事实上，它让社会更加理解我们所有被诊断为阿斯伯格症并与其共同生活的人。

Which is why it’s so incredibly important that the label of Asperger’s doesn’t define me—it gives a greater understanding of who I am. In fact it gives society a greater understanding of all of us diagnosed and living life with Asperger’s.