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This is what happens when you reply to spam email
回复垃圾邮件时会发生什么
演讲者：James Veitch
James Veitch
詹姆斯·维奇
Comedian and writer
喜剧演员，作家
简介
我们都收到过莫名奇妙的邮件：未兑现的人寿保险、镶满钻石的银行保险箱、被困在外国的亲朋好友……
这些邮件在我们的收件箱里蹦出来，而我们的第一反应就是把它们删掉。
但是当你回复这些邮件时会发生什么呢?
"I have to go bed now."
"Till morrow. Have sweet dream."
“我要去睡觉了。”
“明天再聊。祝你好梦！”
-- James Veitch
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
What others say
“Sick of receiving so much spam, Veitch took matters into his own hands and decided to reply to every junk mail he received. An ingenious, enjoyable tale of scamming the scammers.” — The Independent
中英文对照文本
视频及中英文演讲稿获取方式见文末。
A few years ago, I got one of those spam emails. And it managed to get through my spam filter. I'm not quite sure how, but it turned up in my inbox, and it was from a guy called Solomon Odonkoh.
(Laughter) I know.
几年前的时候, 我收到一封垃圾邮件。垃圾邮件过滤器没管用，不知道是怎么回事，但它的确出现在了我的收件箱里, 发件人是个叫Solomon Odonkoh 的家伙。
（笑声） 我知道。
It went like this: it said, "Hello James Veitch, I have an interesting business proposal I want to share with you, Solomon."
Now, my hand was kind of hovering on the delete button, right? I was looking at my phone. I thought, I could just delete this. Or I could do what I think we've all always wanted to do. And I said, "Solomon, Your email intrigues me."
邮件开头是这么说的，说:“你好，James Veitch，我有个挺有意思的投资提案，想和你谈一谈——Solomon”
这时我的手指大概已经放在删除键上了，对吧？我当时看着我的手机,心想我可以直接删了它。或者我也可以做点什么,我们每个人一直都很想做的事。于是我说:“Solomon, 你的邮件令我很感兴趣。”
And the game was afoot.
He said, "Dear James Veitch, We shall be shipping Gold to you." "You will earn 10% of any gold you distributes."
游戏就此拉开帷幕。
他说:“亲爱的James Veitch,我们会给你运送黄金。”“你可以将黄金转手，赚取10%的佣金。”
So I knew I was dealing with a professional.
I said, "How much is it worth?"
He said, "We will start with smaller quantity," -- I was like, aww -- and then he said, "of 25 kgs. The worth should be about $2.5 million."
然后我知道了, 和我打交道的是个高手。
我说：“它价值多少？”
他说：“我们一开始可以做小一点。” 我当时就说，“哎……” 然后他说：“25公斤。”“总价值大约250万美元。”
I said, "Solomon, if we're going to do it, let's go big. I can handle it. How much gold do you have?"
He said, "It is not a matter of how much gold I have, what matters is your capability of handling. We can start with 50 kgs as trial shipment."
我说：“所罗门，我们要做这生意，就干一大票。”“我可以搞定的。你手上有多少金子？”
他说：“关键不是我有多少, 而是你能接多少。我们一开始可以发过去50公斤试试。”
I said, "50 kgs? There's no point doing this at all unless you're shipping at least a metric ton."
He said, "What do you do for a living?"
我说：“50公斤？简直一点搞头都没有啊，除非你至少运过来一整吨。”
他说：“你是干什么工作的？”
I said, "I'm a hedge fund executive bank manager."
This isn't the first time I've shipped bullion, my friend, no no no.
Then I started to panic.
我说：“我是银行对冲基金的执行经理。”
“朋友，这不是我第一次运金条了。 不,不,不。”
然后我开始有点慌了。
I was like, "Where are you based?" I don't know about you, but I think if we're going via the postal service, it ought to be signed for. That's a lot of gold."
He said, "It will not be easy to convince my company to do larger quantity shipment."
我当时就说：“你们总部在哪？”我还不了解你，但是我想如果我们要通过邮政业务发货，一定要办签收。这笔金子可不算少了。
他说：“说服我们公司扩大运货量的确不容易。”
I said, "Solomon, I'm completely with you on this one. I'm putting together a visual for you to take into the board meeting. Hold tight."
This is what I sent Solomon.
我说：“所罗门，我非常同意你的观点。我现在给你整理一些资料，你可以带到董事会上。我去去就回。”
这是我发给所罗门的东西。
[财富与金条数量成正比]
I don't know if we have any statisticians in the house, but there's definitely something going on. I said, "Solomon, attached to this email you'll find a helpful chart. I've had one of my assistants run the numbers.
We're ready for shipping as much gold as possible."
我不知道这里有没有哪位是统计学家, 总之这肯定有点道理吧。我说:”所罗门,邮件的附件里有一个有用的图表。我让我的助手细致分析了数据。
我们把生意做得越大越好啊！”
There's always a moment where they try to tug your heartstrings, and this was it for Solomon.
He said, "I will be so much happy if the deal goes well, because I'm going to get a very good commission as well."
总有些时候你会让别人心痒痒, 对所罗门来说就是这样。
他说:“如果生意顺利进行,我会非常开心的, 因为我也会获得一笔丰厚的佣金。”
And I said, "That's amazing, What are you going to spend your cut on?"
And he said, "On RealEstate, what about you?"
I thought about it for a long time.
然后我说:“这太棒了！你打算怎么花这笔钱？”
他说:“投资不动产,你呢？”
我想了很久。
And I said, "One word; Hummus."
"It's going places.
I was in Sainsbury's the other day and there were like 30 different varieties. Also you can cut up carrots, and you can dip them. Have you ever done that, Solomon?"
然后我说:“就一个词: 豆沙酱。”
“这肯定有戏的啦。”
我有天在英佰瑞超市, 那里有30多种豆沙酱。而且你还可以切碎胡萝卜,然后蘸着它来吃。你有试过吗,所罗门？！”
He said, "I have to go bed now."
"Till morrow. Have sweet dream."
他说:“我要去睡觉了。”
“明天再聊。祝你好梦！”
I didn't know what to say! I said, "Bonsoir my golden nugget, bonsoir."
Guys, you have to understand, this had been going for, like, weeks, albeit hitherto the greatest weeks of my life, but I had to knock it on the head. It was getting a bit out of hand. Friends were saying, "James, do you want to come for a drink?" I was like, "I can't, I'm expecting an email about some gold."
我当下就无语了！我说：“晚安,我的金条子，晚安。”
同志们,你们得知道,这个东西进行了大概几周吧, 虽然它目前是我人生中最快乐的几周, 但是我必须得叫停了。它有点失去控制了。朋友跟我说:“詹姆斯,想要下馆子小酌一杯吗？”我的反应就是,“不不不,我在等一封关于什么黄金的邮件。”
So I figured I had to knock it on the head. I had to take it to a ridiculous conclusion. So I concocted a plan. I said, "Solomon, I'm concerned about security. When we email each other, we need to use a code." And he agreed.
I said, "Solomon, I spent all night coming up with this code we need to use in all further correspondence:
我觉得我得叫停了。我得让它发展到一个超级无厘头的结局。所以我编写了一套计划。我说:“所罗门,我很担心安全问题。当我们互相发邮件时, 我们要用一种暗号。”他同意了。
我说:“所罗门,我想了一晚上,想到了这些暗号, 未来的一切通讯请务必使用:
Lawyer: Gummy Bear.
Bank: Cream Egg.
Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle.
Claim: Peanut MMs.
Documents: Jelly Beans.
Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard."
律师：小熊橡皮糖。
银行：奶油蛋。
法律：可乐QQ糖。
索赔：MM花生巧克力。
文档：果冻豆。
西联汇款公司:巨大的橡皮蜥蜴。
I knew these were all words they use, right? I said, "Please call me Kitkat in all further correspondence."
I didn't hear back. I thought, I've gone too far.I've gone too far. So I had to backpedal a little. I said, "Solomon, Is the deal still on? KitKat."
我知道这都是行家用的,对吧？我说,“未来的一切通讯请称我为KitKat（奇巧巧克力）。”
我没收到回信。我想,我一定做过火了。我一定做过火了，所以我得往后退一小步。我说:“所罗门,生意还在进行吗？KitKat 敬上。”
Because you have to be consistent.
Then I did get an email back from him. He said, "The Business is on and I am trying to blah blah blah ..."
你必须得始终如一。
后来我确实收到了他的回复。他说：“生意还在进行，然后我在……呜里哇啦……”
I said, "Dude, you have to use the code!" What followed is the greatest email I've ever received.
I'm not joking, this is what turned up in my inbox. This was a good day.
我说：“老兄！你要用暗号啊！”之后我收到了一生中最爆笑的一封邮件。
不是开玩笑，后来我的收件箱出现了这个。那天真是好日子。
"The business is on. I am trying to raise the balance for the Gummy Bear -- so he can submit all the needed Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans to the Creme Egg, for the Peanut MMs process to start.Send 1,500 pounds via a Giant Gummy Lizard."
And that was so much fun, right, that it got me thinking: like, what would happen if I just spent as much time as could replying to as many scam emails as I could? And that's what I've been doing for three years on your behalf.
“生意还在进行，我在尝试调高小熊橡皮糖的余额……（笑声） 使他可以提交一切所需的可乐QQ糖果冻豆, 给奶油蛋, 让MM花生巧克力能够开始。 请转账1500英镑, 通过巨大的橡皮蜥蜴。”
这实在太好玩了,对吗？ 让我不禁思考起来: 如果我花尽可能多的时间, 回复尽可能多的垃圾邮件,会发生什么呢？这就是我所做的, 做了整整三年, 都是为了你们。
Crazy stuff happens when you start replying to scam emails. It's really difficult, and I highly recommend we do it. I don't think what I'm doing is mean. There are a lot of people who do mean things to scammers. All I'm doing is wasting their time. And I think any time they're spending with me is time they're not spending scamming vulnerable adults out of their savings, right?
当你开始回复垃圾邮件时，疯狂的事情就会发生。这其实挺难的, 但我强烈推荐大家尝试一下。我不觉得我做的事很伤天害理。社会上有好多人对诈骗犯做很残忍的事情。我所做的一切，就是浪费他们时间。他们在我身上花的任何精力, 都让他们不能去诈骗其他容易受骗的人，对吧？
And if you're going to do this -- and I highly recommend you do -- get yourself a pseudonymous email address.
如果你要这么做的话——我强烈推荐你们这么做, 先去申请一个匿名的邮箱地址。
Don't use your own email address. That's what I was doing at the start and it was a nightmare. I'd wake up in the morning and have a thousand emails about penis enlargements, only one of which was a legitimate response --to a medical question I had.
千万别用你自己的邮箱。我一开始就是这么干的,简直就是噩梦。我一早起床会收到一千封邮件, 关于阴茎增大什么的, 其中只有一封是可行的方案……解决我的一个生理问题。
But I'll tell you what, though, guys, I'll tell you what: any day is a good day, any day is a good day if you receive an email that begins like this:
让我们换个话题,同志们, 我告诉你:任何一天都是好日子, 如果你收到一封这样开头的邮件:
"I AM WINNIE MANDELA, THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT."
I was like, oh! -- that Winnie Mandela.
(Laughter) I know so many.
“我是温妮·曼德拉, 前南非总统纳尔逊·曼德拉的第二任妻子。”
我反应就是:哦哦！那个温妮·曼德拉啊！
（笑声） 我认识好几个呢。
"I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS OUT OF THE COUNTRY BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND NELSON MANDELA'S HEALTH CONDITION."
Let that sink in. She sent me this, which is hysterical.
“我需要转移4500万美元出国, 因为我的丈夫纳尔逊的健康状况。”
让我揣摩揣摩。她给我发了这个，简直超级搞笑。
And this. And this looks fairly legitimate, this is a letter of authorization.But to be honest, if there's nothing written on it, it's just a shape!
I said, "Winnie, I'm really sorry to hear of this. Given that Nelson died three months ago, I'd describe his health condition as fairly serious."
还有这个。这看上去挺靠谱的,是一封授权的证书。但是说实话,上面一个字没写的话,它就是个形状啊！
我说:“温妮,我很抱歉听到这个消息。因为纳尔逊三个月前刚去世, 我觉得他的健康状况确实相当糟糕。”
That's the worst health condition you can have, not being alive.
She said, "KINDLY COMPLY WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS. ONE LOVE."
I said, "Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY."
She said, "MY BANKER WILL NEED TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE."
I said, "no problemo.
“没活着”可是最糟糕的健康状况了啊。
她说：“请遵循银行专员的指示。唯一的爱。”
我说:“当然了。美女催下男儿泪啊！”
她说:“我的银行专员需要3000美金的转账。唯一的爱。”
我说：“小意思。
I SHOT THE SHERIFF."
[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ]
我帮你把司法官毙了。”
[（但我没毙掉他的副手）]
Thank you.
谢谢。
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